one of the hardest parts of being a mom

A number of years ago, when I was seriously considering going back to school to become a teacher, I started working in an elementary school to see if it was the right fit for me. After one year in a split classroom of 4th and 5th graders, I decided it was not for me. I felt that I couldn't "let kids be kids." I wanted too much structure and was too tough on them for goofing around, blowing off homework, and generally being immature and irresponsible.

Flash forward 10 years.

Now, after 7 years working and teaching elementary school kids, (I decided to go for it after all) I've been a stay-at-home mom for about 3 years. And one of the hardest things for me falls under that same category...

I hate clutter.

I don't think you understand. I HATE CLUTTER.

Sometimes, when the dishes get piled up during the weekend when we're all busy having fun and doing whatever, I'll walk into the kitchen and literally yell. Or turn on a dime from a good mood to a wretched one. Messes make me unhappy. There is literally a physiological response in my body when things are untidy that Makes. Me. Angry.

So today, when Hurricane Emerson literally went from one room to another to another to another dumping toys all over the place and burying her brother in a pile of books and stuffed animals in his bed (much to his sheer delight, I must add), I almost needed to go to the ER. I felt myself clenching my jaw. I had fingernail marks in my palms from squeezing tight fists. I was snippy and short and huffy. I wanted to shout "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DUMP OUT THAT JAR OF FOAM ALPHABET LETTERS, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO PICK THEM UP!?!?!?!?!" In fact, I may have said that out loud.

And yet, a very teenie tiny voice waaaaay in the back of my head was whispering "She's a kid. She's having fun. What is the point of having toys that just sit in their bins all day long? What else have you got going on that you can't play for a while and then pitch in to help clean up? What is wrong with you, Woman?"

So, I tried very, very hard to just breathe, let it go, and let her have her fun. Because she really was having fun. And being so sweet too. She dumped out all the baby toys in the living room and spread them all around Pete because she was pretending it was his birthday and those were the gifts she got him. Very cute. And while I do admit that while I was supposed to be building a bird house out of wooden blocks, I was surreptitiously whisking chewie toys back to their rightful basket. But I did just sit and deal and let her have a good dose of kid fun in the mess. It was hard for me. I know that sounds silly, but it was literally, physically uncomfortable for me. But I love my kids and I love my job, and sometimes, a Mama just has to roll with it.